a new resolve

haaay after 2 days of acting like a fool... i've come to realize what needs to be done... i've been a fool one hell of a fool... anyway my thoughts seem to have been clouded by the endless thinking and listening to mp3s... now... i've come to a descision, i have no reason to be sad, or to be bothered by it well not by the way it was stopped.. from now on i'm ok

patience too has its limits.. take it any further and its cowardice...

wow... this statement hit me... i guess i am a coward... patience... I've always thought that having an unlimited amount of patience was something that was ideal and that no one had it because it was almost impossible to attain... but i guess when an impatient person like me becomes this patient I was simply fooling myself into thinking that.. and that I was simply running away.. afraid of the outcome of my actions.. afraid of everything...

The heart may freeze or it can burn

The pain will ease if I can learn

There is no future

There is no past

I live this moment

As my last

There's only us

There's only this

Forget regret

Or life is yours to miss

No other road

No other way

No day but today

~RENT

another one that hit me... but i guess life isn't gonna get easier... nor is it getting less complicated... to learn from past faults... its my only way out... I do have to keep one thing clear in my mind... I have no regrets... I don't regret having what little time I spent with her... ofcourse I guess if only I knew.. then I would have done things differently.. but every moment is treasured and life must go on... and although sadness has taken root... and love has yet again strayed me into another lonely road... I must walk on... just live on... until I can get back.. and live it out again...

When someone smiles... there are usually 2 types... one is that its a genuine smile that just embraces you with its warmth... the other is a cold and painfull smile... one that just leaves you cold... but theres always the third one... where it may seem genuine... but its just a way to hide it all...

its funny... how a smile affects those seeing it... how it can be misleading and cold yet to others hopeful and warm....

its funny... how when everything settles.. you can't help but smile and laugh... when inside you cry and suffer....

its funny... how blissful madness seems to be... how it seems to be the best way out but in truth its just getting into it more...

its funny.... how I laugh when I am really crying inside...

patience too has its limits.. take it any further and its cowardice...

One in me

I just cant stop the pain
that your beside me, yet so far away
I'm holdin on to these lies that even that one day you'll be my prize
It's like wishin on the star that i know will never be mine
i cry and cry whenever that star isn't there to shine
so now i tell my heart before i lose my mind that i dont have you baby..

hey im here for you
and you just dont seem to care
but im here to stay and forever baby
and i'd be here in your arms
hopin that someday you'll see me
find the one in me

how i wish that you know (what I keep inside)
even just a bit of me i can show
coz i'm dreamin' of you everynight
hoping that someday you'll be by my side
and now its killin' me this fantasy's been blowin up my head
and i just wanna wake up
but here i fall there back again
so i might as well believe that your the only one for me yeah...

and i just cant get out you out of my head
i'd build the hurt all over again
coz i know you wont be mine
but keep it up this time
that your the only one for me
pap parara pa.. pap parara pa.....

just open your heart
will you ever see the love the love in me

when your chest feels light with a piercing feeling twisting through it...

Its been a long time coming... I guess I have somehow prepared myself for this... I guess thats why I feel the way i feel now... right now... no heaven can compare to the ease this brings my heavy chest... yet no hell can ever compare to the twisting pain that's stabbing me through the heart... what went wrong and what didn't go right is still in question... the only good thing is that no doors have been closed and no windows have been barred... I once wrote a story... one about a gardener and his angel.. I guess that story has come back to haunt me once more. I am the gardener and I've tried with all my might to plant a rose with an angel... i guess it did bud.. but it never bloomed... now its just there planted and frozen... devoid of all the beauty and color it could have had... winter that has never come in my garden before and even though i have lost a rose once... never has it snowed here.. it feels cold... and the bud that I have panted with an angel has frozen. Life isn't what it is... and it isn't what its supposed to be...

alot of things have happend and I guess I'm just not ready and neither is she... this is I guess what we're supposed to be... I guess this is when cowards pull the trigger... this is when man is weakest and closest to madness... I have been here before... but never have I fallen into it... madness taunts me.... darkness calls me... sadness embraces me... pain is bursting from within me... yet oddly and painfully a smile must grace my face.... and happiness has to cover me up...

This is me.... this is how i feel... a huge weight lifted from my chest.. while a piercing pain replaces it... this pain, a dagger through the heart... piercing and twisting... as blood gushes out to meet tears from my smiling face...

after a long tym....

after a long tym of not posting anything... here i am again... this time the reason for this is for my usual ranting spree... let me put it down quite simply... i just had an argument with my rents... those guys just cant get simple things... there i was in their room trying to get some stuff and was gonna do stuff for dad when my mom asked me sumthing and when i answered back she didn't like the tone and boom she was shouting... i mean HOW THE HELL IS IT POCBLE FOR A NORMAL HUMAN BEING TO ANSWER A QUESTION WITHOUT A TONE??? so that was the first encounter.. i lefft the room and made my merry way back to my room... aftr a while i went back to get a charger for the cell and to ask my dad if i could borrow his cel since he had 3 and i just needed one for the night when HE screamed at me!!!! I MEAN WHAT THE HELL??? he asked me why i answered that way... I WASN'T ANSWERING IN ANY OTHER WAY THAN NORMAL!!!! HOW does one who needs sumthing say that he needs that something??? don't we usually put a tone in it??? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THEM!!!!!!????!?!?! haaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyy i just hate it... goddammit and i have to deal with it tom too... i have to go to the office to get a check for my enrollment damn.. nyway that was a good rant...